Wednesday, 25 July 2018

"Openness may not completely disarm prejudice, but it's a good place to start."

My life is a pile of boxes right now (well, my office, as a sample size):

It's hard to feel connected to much when everything is all packed and taped, but I do make do. The countdown is on, only 5 days left until we are driving the trucks to our new place. Or, I should say, our storage locker where everything will be stored until we can move in after August 1st. This next week is going to be super hectic, but I know the craziness is all just temporary until we get settled in our new place.

There's always a bit of excitement in a new place. There is the process of making it feel like home. This one is a bit of a challenge, since we have only seen the space via FaceTime with descriptions from my mother and stepfather. I am determined to make it ours, as we're hoping that this will be our last space before we move into a house.

In other news, I think I have finally come around to identifying and feel comfortable and confident enough to come out with.

I have done a lot of searching and thinking and have determined that I identify as pansexual.

Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity. It falls under the bisexual umbrella.

So, Deadpool.

I have had feelings for girls when I was younger (teen), which I never really gave much thought to because it was never something I considered as an option. While I am twice married to two wonderful men, the fact that they are men is not the reason for my attraction. I love them for who they are, not how they identify. If they were women or intersex or transgender, it would not make a difference. I have thought back to my younger years, and I know that any attraction I have had for people has been based on them as a person, and not what biological sex they are.

It feels weird to come out at my age. I have dealt with a lot of internalised baggage (I can't be bisexual because it feels too restricting, I'm married to 2 dudes and thus am not queer enough, the feelings I have had for girls in the past were so long ago who knows if they were even real, etc), and I've beat myself up over the last decade with impostor syndrome BS. I've tried to cover my tracks the same way a lot of closeted individuals do - insist they are super straight.

But I'm not. I've known since I was probably 12 or 13 that I'm not, but I just never accepted that girls were an option, or that anyone regardless of their sex was an option. I was brought up Catholic, and even though I eschewed that world long ago, old habits die hard. I have always been attracted to people based on who they are. I mean, I am physically attracted to them, but I don't think of physical sexual characteristics, I guess. I don't consider myself gender-blind, it just doesn't factor into whether I would find someone dateable.

I can't tell you how much more free I feel, being able to actually be open about my relationships, my spirituality, and now my queerness too, I guess.